When I purchased my beater, a used Nissan Sentra, it came equipped with a high-tech deer diversion device. This device is known to the masses as a “deer whistle.” When the car is in motion, it emits a sound so vicious that any deer within 1/4 mile cower and hide whenever I drive by. As you can see from this picture, there is now a slight difficulty with my deer whistle:

I looked at my front bumper the other day and found it MIA. There was no sign of forced removal, nor any trace of the device. All I know is that several days ago I saw a pack of deer in the woods behind my house. Perhaps more telling, they saw me. And now, mysteriously, my deer whistle has vanished. Coincidence? Perhaps. Only the deer know…

This does give me the ability to conduct a scientific study on the efficacy of that particular deer diversion device. As of this writing, I have not hit one deer with my beater. None. I attribute this fortune entirely to my beloved deer whistle. I can now see if, in its absence, my luck will be as good. If not, and my bumper mates violently with a a deer, I will have irrefutable proof that the deer whistle did, in fact, surround me with a cloud of protection not even the most moronic, wide-eyed deer dared penetrate.

I shall keep you abreast of further developments in my research…