It snowed in our area today. It snowed quite a bit. So, while everyone else was hiding inside, we obviously went out to drive. By the time we were done, we had lost 2 tires, ruined 3 wheels, bent one suspension arm, and decommissioned 3 cars. Usually we have our way with snowstorms, but this one kicked our asses.

It started off very well. We went to several of our…ahem…privately-owned and closed driving areas to film some pendulum slides, drifts, and other cool things. Then we began to entertain the various snow-removing beasts that happen to populate our private driving areas by threading between guardrails and barriers, looping around lightpoles, and being generally sideways.

Unfortunately, all shining successes are matched by similarly gleaming failures: I tried to throw my ice-racer into an opening much smaller than I anticipated it would be and struck a curb. The tire unseated from the rim and the rim’s lip bent in half. Chris, who was about to execute the same maneuver immediately afterwards, aborted and rammed his right front wheel into the same curb. He managed to keep his tire mounted, but he bent the spider of the wheel. (A little secret that we’ve learned from years of curbings like these: If you strike a curb, and suddenly you notice that your wheels is wobbling all over the place, don’t assume that you’ve done horrible damage to the hub or the control arm. It is possible to significatly bend the spider–the part of the wheel that bolts to the hub. Always throw another wheel on and see if that fixes the problem before you start replacing suspension parts.)

With our cars now running on only 3 good snow tires (what, you think we actually have the foresight or budget to carry extra full-size snow tires?), we turned to the last intact beater, Tim’s.

We have a rule here at PansyPatrol: Always drive in such a manner as to outdo the others, regardless of the pursuit. Tim did not disappoint. After a series of vicious pendulums at nearly 90 degree slip angles, he dutifully located the curb that would outdo all others. In accordance with the rules, he blasted it so vigorously that his car now sports aggresive rear toe out and positive camber. Rear toe out causes significant instability and tendency to oversteer, so Tim’s car is, ironically, in a perpetual slide. Therefore, we dutifully add these our own, to the failures section.